Friday, May 30, 2014
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_______________________________________ ALIASES ______________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________
IQ__________ GPA______________ SOCIAL SECURITY#________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ IQ _________ BLOOD TYPE _____
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
#of years they have been married ______
If less than your age, explain why ______________________________________
If not explain why ___________________________________________________
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I HIGHLY SUGGEST RUNNING AS I AM A GOOD SHOT.)
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
Church you attend _______________________________________________
How often you attend ____________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? __________ mother? _________ pastor? __________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________
C. A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?__________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ______________________
Initial each Rule after reading.
Rule One: If you talk with foul words and dress like swag, a punk or a wanna-be-gangster I will toss you right out on your tush.
Rule Two: If you date my daughter you date only her. She has a kind heart and I will not have you make my her cry; if she does, I will make you cry. You may only date ONE of my daughters. EVER.
Rule Three: You must know how to cook as well as I have taught my daughter(s) to cook. Frozen dinners do not count.
Rule Four: Do not be hurt when my daughter chooses a day at the spa with me over sports or gaming time with you. She was raised that family comes first and until there is a ring on her finger, I am her family, not you.
Rule Five: Do not date my daughter for her money because I am her bank. Do not expect gifts, she has been taught to be a savvy shopper.
Rule Seven: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pudgy, baggy-eyed, last-season, has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the queen of her universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. If you do not I will ask her. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Eight: My daughter has been raised to respect herself, so keep your hands to yourself. Offending body parts will be removed by me with a dull spoon.
Rule Nine: Do not be hurt when my daughter chooses spending time with me over spending time with you. She was raised that family comes first and until there is a ring on her finger, I am her family, not you. Yes, I know this is also Rule Four. It is an important one.
Rule Ten: My daughter is not a toy. She does not have Hasbro, Mattel or any other toy company tattooed on her person. Hence, she is not an object for you to play with, manipulate, and discard at your leisure. I suffered through 42 hours of labor to have her, and will unleash an unimaginable amount of anger such that the movie 300 will look like an episode of the Little House on the Prairie should you cross me.
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name)
Mother's Signature & Father's Signature
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Please allow four to six years for processing.